Patrick Kane arrested

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Say wha?

That babyfaced kid was arrested?

Oh, yes. Yes he was.

Ok, so maybe that picture’s not fair. It was like what, three years ago. But still:

pk

That face looks younger than half the guys in my grade, and they’re all four years younger than him. Is that a face that says, “Gimme my 2o cents, bitch, or I’ll punch you in the face!”?

Apparently.

Nahhh, can’t be. I mean, look at him. He’s adorable. I bet it was his cousin. He looks a little more burly. Okay, not burly, just bigger.

So anyway, at around 5 AM, Patty Kane and his cousin James were in a cab at some five in the morning. They’re journey (I’m guessing from a partayyyy!) ended at Chippewa street. The fare was $13.80, and the boys gave the cabbie 15. The cabbie had a dollar bill but not 20 cents. Then, the boys went batshit crazy on that cabbie’s ass! Patty was all like, “Don’t you know who I am?!”, and they punched him in the face and ripped his shirt and broke his glasses and stole not just their fare, but all his money. All over 20 cents. Well, allegedly anyway.

But really? Patrick Kane is worried about 20 cents? He’s a professional athlete, and he’ll be making major bank after this year. That is why I was guessing they were coming from a party…Making them a little lot drunk at the time…Which would possibly make thme get pissed about two dimes. Man, I wouldn’t want to be around them when they’re drunk. But that’s just all assumption. But wait! Someone else has a very strong assumption. Via @cupofchowdah, I read some person’s allegation that it’s all a coverup, and sweetfaced Patty Kane is a cocaine addict.

What…the…fuck?! A cocaine addict? That’s strong shit. Well, they didn’t really say addict, but whatever. I highly doubt this is a coverup for a cocaine deal gone wrong, but I don’t doubt that the two Kanes were RIACUI if they did do it. RIACUI–Riding In A Cab Under the Influence. HA! Lame, yes, I know.

The story has already landed on Pat’s Wikipedia page (along with his name being changed to “Patrick ‘2 Dime’ Kane” –Dang, it’s changed back, but it did say it.), Stanley Cup of Chowder already made a “Ways that Patrick Kane could have spent that $1.20” list, and (my personal favorite) there’s already a Pat Kane Taxi Cab Company shirt on eBay…sold for $15.

Dear Chicago Blackhawks,

You’re offseason SUCKS.

Love from Maryland,

Sarah

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4 Comments

Filed under Hockey, NHL, Sports

4 responses to “Patrick Kane arrested

  1. Jeska

    This is probably one of the most hilarious blogs ever written. I like how you describe what happened. lol.

  2. Is anyone really surprised? The kid’s a freakin’ hockey player. The job doesn’t call for the greatest of intelligence, moral fortitude or common sense. Most jock meat-heads I knew that stayed in hockey – as a career path – were raised by their coaches, trainers and team-mates instead of their parents. Patrick – “Snorty McNort” Kane fits the mold perfectly. …but who gives a shit about that.

    More to the point? What kind of sad douchebag doesn’t tip a cabbie after a safe ride at 4am?

  3. No doubt in my mind patrick COkane was doing blow til 3am

  4. Frank

    My brother knows people that have partied with Patrick Kane. He will randomly take out some coke and start doing lines on the table, no joke.

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