Dear Patty Kane,
Even though you’re in trouble with the law, you’re helping me out. You have brought much traffic to my blog due to your shenanigans this past weekend. I mean, there’s not as much traffic as this one day, but as you can see from the image above(if you click it, you can see it better), the searches for you have sent people my way. And for that I thank you.
Now, I have some advice for you even though you’re four years my senior (and some of it is a little too late):
- Maybe you should have gone to Canada to drink because A) it’s legal at age 20, and B) when you say “Don’t you know who I am?,” the answer would probably be “Yes Mr. Kane, I do. I will scavange the streets to find you 20 cents, your royal Calder Trophy winner, sir.”
- Instead of a cab, get one of your sisters to pick you up. My brother did that this Saturday. Dropped him off to drink, picked him up after he was done. Now, we don’t live in a place where there are a ton of cabs, but still. You don’t have to pay, they know who you are, and if you beat them up, they’ll forgive you if you buy them shoes or something like that. A lot better than some old cabbie who doesn’t know who you are, right?
- Since you did none of the above and (allegedly) beat up a cabbie, instead of punching him in the face, you should have given him a purple nurple. I mean, c’mon, you can see his mug in clear view on TV, but what’s he gonna do if you gave him a purple nurple? Rip open his shirt and say, “See! That Patrick Kane and his cousin grabbed my nips and stole my money!” I think not. Then again, I don’t know how people in Buffalo roll.
- Get rid of any ripped money that you stole from said cabbie. You don’t want to incriminate yourself, do you? I think not, Patty, I think not. If the popo sees money in your pocket that’s not ripped, they’ll just think it was yours to begin with. So do away with the ripped shit.
- Next time, run and leave your cousin in the dust. I’m sure you’re one fast little son of a bitch. Have his ass take the blame and repay him later with some new Nikes or maybe even a car once he gets out of jail. Be like, “Hey buddy, thanks for serving time for me. I really appreciate it. Here’s a new Merecedes for the trouble. I bought it with my new contract that’s not with the Blackhawks.”
I hope next time you take my advice. In my opinion, it will surely keep you away from any more “Patrick Kane Arrested” headlines. You can thank me later with some money that I could use for college since I won’t be a professional athlete any time soon.
Lots of love from Maryland,
[I hope you all know this is all sarcastic. If not, sorry you didn’t think it was funny. Or if you knew it was sarcasm and still didn’t think it was funny, I am sorry to have offended you with my lameness. And, as the day goes on, there are even more searches than the ones up top. So Patty Kane is now the love of my life. Even if he’s a “thug.”]